Season 2 premieres on June 14 on HBO Canada. Dang!

It's been awhile since I posted on this blog.  School is done.  I graduate in June and applied for work with a small amount of success.  Right now I enjoy coffee and ponder my next move.  In fact my next move will be seeing Star Trek with my brother.  My life since school ended consisted of volunteering for one library conference, buying a computer, and catching up on sleep.  I also want to train for a 10 k a little more consistently during the week.

Right now my life remains in limbo.  I await for the results of two interviews within the same organization.  I also found a posting for an ideal job in Grande Prairie Alberta.  The description smacks of the outreach work I did for my last placement.  In my heart I want to stay here, but if an opportunity pops up someplace else, I will take it. Otherwise I will laze around the house and clean up my cluttered corners.

I had a much better night sleep last night.  No dreams of note after a wonderful time at my brother's place for Easter.  I enjoyed a 12k walk at BHP and I suspect the walk helped me to sleep better.  I decided to stay home on this Easter Monday off, work on cover letters for two school positions, and head to Weight Watchers this evening.  The countdown stands at two weeks left for classes before writing out finals.  I plan to work out flash cards for my Local Area Network class.  I have to start now to get what I am doing for the exam.

And now I will slack off a wee bit more before getting down to work.

Ack!

Having one nightmare I can brush off.  Lately I had three in a row.  In my dreams terrorists are taking over something in the first two, but this one last night had me literally on the floor.  Spiders came down from my ceiling, prompting me to get out of my bed.  In my dream I leaped out of my bed--in reality I woke up on the floor.  I had a very real pain between my shoulder blades, while my mom knocked on the door wondering if everything was alright.  Other than the aches and pains of ending up on the floor, near my closet, some distance  from my bed, life treats me very well.

I believe the dreams are anxiety bubbling up after I applied for two jobs and will apply for two more.  The second taken-over-by-terrorists dream took place in a weird rendition of school.  Everyone was in it while we dodged a paramilitary organization.  I did remember someone named Nathan, but it was not the Nathan I liked, but I kept chasing after him after I saw him lead away into the bottom of the school.  I nearly went down the corridors into the depths of the building, but instinct told me to remain on the main level.  I remember not liking this Nathan and he was not to be trusted.

Like I said, "Anxious much?"

Last night it was just spiders, big, hairy, coming-down-from-my-ceiling spiders.  Did I have a nightmare or a night terror?  Anyway my next dream better have Nathan Fillion to balance out whatever my head tried to work out in metaphor.  In reality land, I will have Easter dinner at my brother's place.  I have a feeling my nephew may want me on vocals while we play Rock Band on the Wii.

Happy Easter everyone and (more) pleasant dreams tonight.

After feeling a little blah on Friday, Monday rolled around with some renewed energy.  Unfortunately my Records Management class drives me to boredom.  My eyes may be open, but my mind goes to La-La land for a rendez-vous with Nathan Fillion.  One of the girls keeps telling us how many days are left in the term.

Um, good to know occasionally, but not good for anxiety-ridden job seekers.

As for job hunting, my strategy is to stop worrying and just keep doing.  I also made sure to minimize time in the epicenter of all the bad feeling mojo.

I will apply for a job opening at a Catholic school.  Right now, L4U downloads into my computer.  It's a demo of the automation system this place uses and my gut tells me to ignore what was told to me about my 'skill set' and apply for the job.  I have shot at running a library, my way.  It scares the hell out of me and makes me freeze, too fearful to do the application.  I realize the stupidity of such thinking and move on. 

Lately my thoughts runneth me over.

I have a pretty good brain, a rapid-fire mass of connections and useless trivia.  The same brain advising me to download the demo of the automation program, still squees over Nathan Fillion graduating from Catholic school.  He even did an interview for a podcast (complete with lame stereotypes of Canadians) called The Catholics Next Door.  In short Mr. Fillion is exactly the kind of Catholic man I look for, the kind more interested in putting talents to work, treating all people will respect and up front about his foibles.  Right now the same brain tells me to just download the program and concentrate on getting work.

We are feeling a little crazy right now.  The number of job holding students rose to three, while talk abounded of lying on government applications to gain precious few library jobs.  I decided E-mails can flow like snot from a three year old with a cold, warnings shooting out like diaherea, but people will choose not to listen.  I had enough of talking anyway as it's time for action.

In short it's time to misbehave in a postive fashion.  Hence downloading  the library automation demo in my school computer.  (Gosh I sound like a babbler right now.)

To put myself on some logical path, I did a smart thing and called up V and went to a movie.  While the movie was fun, scratching cat ears proved a relaxing stress reliever.  Lap slut perked up, meowed and proceeded to seduce me into scratching ears and any other part of the feline body.  His sister looked on with a cautious look in her cat eyes.  The movie, Monster vs Aliens was a wonderful bit o' fluff with a enough laughs to shake off last week.

And now back to downloading my library program.

On Tuesday, my Grey Sunbird stalled while my dad used it for an errand.  I thought it was a typical mechanical problem.  The problem itself would require the engine to get taken a part to repair the pistons, a job worth over a grand.  Actually well over two grand and for a 15 year-old-car the call was made to not go a head with the job.

I am officially carless.

I canceled my Autopac and will clean out the car this weekend.  The next step is select a charity and have them tow it away.  When my brother told me the news, tears began to roll down my cheeks, making me feel foolish for feeling that way over a car and not a person.  However it was my freedom mobile, the carrier of friends to their homes after night's out, my very first vehicle at the beginning of my teachng career in '94. While reflecting on the last item on the previous list, I realized the event may have a greater symbolic significance in the long run.

I bought the car in October of 1994.  I graduated from university with my education degree and the car took me to many school for jobs.  My car ceased to run with five weeks left in my library tech program as I look forward to a new career.  The last visage of my old life, my teaching hopes, working at two bookstores among other events, died to make way for something new and more fitting. I feel like I found what I wanted to do with my life and yet I hang onto the old.  I hang on to old memories and with them old feelings.

Thanks for the memories Sunbird.  For now I enjoy transit and wait for the new chapter to begin the first line.

My frienddj_bennyb wrote an entry based on five things associated with him.  He invited people to comment and I decided to throw my hat in the ring and saw five things associated with me.  Therefore I give you all the following little meme:


Comment on this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.

Believe it or not, I had my five topics on an electronic post it until the right time to elaborate on these five, distinct subjects associated with me.  What can I possible say?  In my case usually a lot.


Nathan Fillion

I had one person comment, with a quite of bit of judgment, about my obsession with him.  I joked, although a little darkly considering his profession, I would make a terrible stalker.  I want to finish school and get my library job.  If the time line were different like he didn't go to New York at 22 and I did go to Edmonton after graduating with my own Bachelor of Education, he would be the kind of guy I would date and may be marry.  I guess he's a template for the kind of things I like in a man.  It's hard to write about this one without looking dorky.  I also learned his mom actually goes on line to see what kinds of things are said about her son to pass along to him.  (I read it in a recent interview.)  If Mrs. Fillion is reading my entry, I can only say my intentions towards your son are honourable.  

Running

I never liked the whole 'how fast can you go' mentality.  The only person I compete with is me.  Running is a test of character, the measure of courage and determination in an individual.  When I ran my first 18 long run, during the coldest day of the year, in 2005, I knew more than any other event, anything tossed my way I can conquer.  If I can run a half-marathon, I can go  back to school and to get a career I always wanted in my life.  I know the will to succeed resides in me.  I knew a stronger woman finally started to come out.  It's amazing what a pair of running shoes can teach a person.  

Being a Human IMDB

I have no idea how all this started.  My mind already works in a series of digressions and connections it scares me sometimes.  It 's fun to see the body of work done by a given actor.  In some actors, like Michael Sheen, the variety of roles are astonishing.  I had no idea the same person playing Lucius in Underworld, can turn around and do a pretty good Tony Blair.  He was great in Fine Young Things and I want to see Frost/Nixon as soon as it out on DVD.  I do use IMDB  for verification like any good library geek.  (However it's can omit or have inaccurate information therefore use with caution.)  Having a mental database of semi-useful information helps as people ask, "Hey, I seen that Comedian guy from the Watchmen from some  where."

The Dewey Decimal System

Please, please, please put me in reference.  I can tell people the numbers on the book spines comes from a four-volume set with instructions befuddling even an alchemist.  In the right hands, the Dewey Decimal System will help people locate the right book for their needs with proper subject headings.  In the wrong hands I simply shudder to think about it.  I recommend taleisin  or muhree for their thoughts on the system.


And finally...

Being an Aunt

My nephew will turn 13 this year and I look foward to it yet feel scared for him.  I look forward to his life unfolding in front of him, the kind of man he will grow into and the things he will learn along the way.  My fear arises from my own experiences.  My nephew started junior high this year and I remembered the hell contained within its bricks.  On the other hand he has the benefit of a mom and dad wanting the best for him, complete with experiences they never had.  My own role is to keep communication open.  Some things are best explained, or heard, by me if my nephew feels the same way.

A bombshell hit a small group of us at school.  A woman, a known cheater and an astute manipulator, will do her placement at her new job.  The rule regarding conflict of interest in placement was officially flushed down the toilet as she will get paid while on placement.  One person was told she couldn't do a public library placement as it was a conflict of interest, but the rules are looking made for different people.  On one hand I want to shrug my shoulders and say, "Life is sometimes not fair."

The other wants to scream WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

These are unpaid, learning, practicums and we have just learned anything goes.  It's one of those situations one questions the validity of their actions and their entire way of living.  OK, may be just me.  I keep hearing Laura Roslin in my head as she told Lee Adama on BSG last week he sometimes has to do the smart thing instead of  the right thing.  I identify with Lee as a person who always wants to do the right thing yet the right thing may not benefit the whole fleet.  Life is like a fleet of humans running from the cylons, making decisions to procure benefits although it just sucks.  The analogy hopefully will make two people laugh although I share their hurt.  Like them I wonder what the frakk are we doing.

We are finishing what we started.

The thing pulling me out of my mopey mood was the most miserable people are people who get everything they want.  We may perceive them as having it all together, but if the way to pull it together screws things over imagine the energy to maintain such a state.  Think about it: A manipulation here, misrepresent there and the line keeps getting crossed and crossed and crossed.  At the point of no return the whole thing blows a part.  We won't be there to see it, but a small compassionate part of me, the part of me I kept fearing to lose over this journey, knows it will not be pretty  People hitting such a bottom will either remain hardened or start over with a renewed sense of the world around them.  I keep hearing my therapist always saying we don't know what goes on with other people.

Ergo, someone will get paid on placement and I will not.  Does it make me angry? Frakk yes!!!  Will it embitter me?  No, I will not let it.  I feel close to finishing and like a runner hitting a wall, the only way to finish the race is one foot in front of the other.  I intend to put one in front of the other.

The person in question should be happy I took my cues from Battlestar Gallatica.  If I were in a Malcolm Reyonolds-sort of mood misbehaving would ensue.

I can't seen to copy the image.  I do have to wonder what the heck was this guy thinking???

The analysis indicates that the author of http://davila.livejournal.com/ is of the type:

ESFP - The Performers

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

My week was a wash out due to a cold. I felt a tickle in my throat on Monday while going up and down library stacks at my local branch. I craved some smut. It came over me while returning some items and feeling a little blue. I didn't feel like facing the Weight Watchers scale, and all the talk about job hunts made me nervous. I decided to find some fun, smutty reading. I checked the paper back spinners and discovered lots of chick lit no smut. My branch has three spinners full of Harlequin romances of various sorts, including some supernatural stuff with pale imitations of Buffy on the covers. Please, I needed well written smut as a woman of discriminating tastes.

My eyes fell on Mistral's Kiss by Laurell K. Hamilton. I think I tried an Anita Blake novel, but the book jacket blurb about the main character needing to conceive a child to rule the faerie court and having 'months of amazing sex with my consorts' convinced me this was the smut I needed. The next day, Tuesday, my cold hit me with full force leaving me to cough, sneeze and read my smut.

Yup, just what the doctor ordered. Five chapters were devoted to sex alone. Yowza! Mind you the plot is thin, but she can write better than some of the Harlequin authors I read back in the day. Yes, I read the books. My friend's mom had a box of them in her basement, I think I was in grade five or six, and I borrowed one. It was about some woman captured by the gypsies, had a handsome gypsy leader and lots of neck nuzzling. (Author always talked about 'nuzzling her neck'.) I read lots of serious literature, even reading Through Black Spruce by Joseph Boyden. (It won the 2008 Giller.)  I know, I know it sounds like justifying myself.  I guess six-and-a-half years of feeling surrounded by Christian fiction made me go into rebellion.

Hence my need for smut.

Thanks to V, I have leads on other writers of good sexy, smut.  For now I will read the rest of the Meredith Gentry series and see how far Hamilton can take her format.  I mean, Merry has to conceive a child to rule the unseelie court or else her cousin Cel will if he  conceived a child with a woman.  From what I can tell, it's like looking at someone's sexual fantasies with a little plot thrown in.  While her series may get called Urban fantasy, I now want to return to Charles De Lint's world.  He can write sexy and have layers of plot.  However with my cold this past week, plot and character development were the last things on my mind.

Once my cold cleared away, yesterday I did some sustained work, I felt a little bit of renewed energy.  I finished the novel and have the previous books in the series coming to my branch.  More escapist smut is on the way.  Don't know why the word 'smut' entered my mind, but it sounded mischievous and naughty.

Now I must get down to some unsmutty homework to catch up on the week that wasn't.

So, this is what winter blahs feels like. It took me a few times to finally post something.  Every time I write a few lines, I simply erase and turn the computer off.  I have a reasonable amount of homework, yet all I want to do is curl up and sleep until spring.  First off, for those who don't know my brother was in an accident at work on January 5th.

A beam fell and crushed his left foot.

The past couple of weeks involved thinking about my future and negotiating the tricky family dynamics.  Apparently, my sister-in-law's father is a wannabe pastor.  He left my brother, in front of myself and my family, a new testament and a book of bible promises to occupy my brother.  The missionary activity has intensified and shows the lack of consideration to my parents who raised a good man with strong values.  When daddy-in-law left, I quipped, "You know he didn't have to leave those things since I was going to sacrifice a chicken to get you better."  My sense of ecumenism is getting tested.  Right now, my brother enters week three of a hospital stay and it looks like we will see the place for another two freakin' weeks.  My brother, to his credit, doesn't care for the antics and just needs all the prayer he can get right now.  He has rods and screws, plus went through nearly 9 hours of reconstructive surgery.  Right now the doctors are determining what toes will go if needed.

It's a good sign if I get teary-eyed at the thought since I had my full-out sob session last Sunday.  If someone tells me it's only his foot, I will tell the fucker off!  I know it's not fucking cancer, but this changes everything in his life from now on.  It will change the way he stands, walks and works out.  It means months and months of rehab for my brother to walk again.  Has anyone thought about if that beam moved in another direction?  I thought about how close he came to not making my grad.  Therefore fuck off.

Let's see..do homework or negotiate family dynamics?